Genderfluid Dating Dilemas

Finding companionship can be a challenge for anyone. Leaving society's familiar territory of cis-gendered heterosexuals makes the challenge that much more challenging.

I went to reply to the latest message sent to me from someone on OKCupid, sent on Friday, this being Monday, and found the account had been deleted. It has been a great chain of communication, and I am left dumbfounded to the point of really questioning the usefulness of dating sites for those of us that are non-binary.

Is it just me, or are the options for transgendered folks finding long term relationships VERY limited? Is anyone else really frustrated? Closeted in an existing relationship hoping to keep the status quo for as long as possible?

I'll ignore the fact that I live in a rural location for this exercise. Being gynesexual, I'm attracted to the feminine, including other transgirls. I'm really looking for someone I can be comfortable with when they meet my parents. I certainly don't want to give them heart attacks! I'd prefer a generic female, and would consider the "right" woman that didn't have dangling bits between her legs. So, on with the hunt!

The landscape of "dating" sites is varied.  Typical "mainstream" dating sites are strictly hetero-related and don't even seem to have "bi" options, let alone anything other than the typical binary gender choice.  I suppose that is where the market is. Other sites seem to specialize in hook-ups with trans folks, especially for admirers. So the mainstream and hookup sites garner the most visits and financial support for said sites, and there are several competing for the same market. Those are the sites that have the in-depth questionnaires and "scientifically based matching" stuff.  The other sites just can't afford to be that fancy.

One non-binary dating site I visited today didn't even have zipcode-based  distance matching, just a list of cities and instruction to hold the Ctrl key to select more than one. After selecting a bunch of cities in my area and clicking "Search", I got "No results match your selection". "Ok," I thought while I chuckled and did a Ctrl-A to select all of the cities in New York. I clicked "Search" and got results. A perfect match, one result...Me. Ok, my fault... I did manage to get results after playing around for a bit. Still, lots of profiles that haven't visited in a long time, and the front page shows similarly aged content.

I have had a profile on OK Cupid for a couple years, and have checked out others.  On OKC, I actually have 2 profiles, with full-disclosure on both.  Both, and especially my male profile, touch on my life in general.  I realize that my best statistical chances of finding a date (and wherever that leads) would be to have a typical Cisgendered & Heterosexual profile. That would seem to lead me to hiding who I am in order to have a relationship that is more than a hookup. I have made a couple friends there, but nothing romantic.

Just this past week, I created a profile on a site for "mature" people. Pushing 50 myself, I figured it wouldn't hurt. The thing is, I listed myself as male and use Jessica's picture and point-of-view, with full-disclosure, of course. It's a paid site, and the listing has gotten some attention, so next week I will plunk down a month's worth of membership and open the present, so to speak. Updates on that when I know.

I watched a little "I am Cait" recently, and in a dinner party scene, Cait expressed that she wanted to be seen as a woman (by men). One of the woman expressed that Cait shouldn't need a man to define herself as a woman, she is already a woman, and needs herself to define herself as a woman. The conversation then touched on seeing transmen being able to relate to a transwoman, and there seemed to be partial consensus with the idea that transwoman should only date transmen.  That sounds like useful advice for those in the binary gender conversation. Is that useful zfor those of use that consider ourselves to be genderfluid?

There is certainly a degree of personal preference with regards to sexuality; gynesexual, androsexual, skoliosexual, pansexual, asexual, and possibly others, are all valid selections in the world of gender expression. Perhaps things are still evolving. I , for one, am hopeful. Till then, my quest continues.